I want to share my story with you in the hope that it inspires others to find happiness no matter what they have experienced in life. English is not my first language, so please bear with me…
“When I was born, my mom wasn´t very happy to get me. She almost died in the process and probably she had postpartum depression but nobody saw. I was as a baby taken from my mother and placed in a room with screaming babies. My whole life I heard the story of how my big head almost killed my mom. Nobody said that I had a lack of oxygen and had been stuck in my mom with birth. I had my milk and diaper, but otherwise there was no attention and when I cried she put me in a dark room.
My mother had a mental illness and was not able to give love. Everything revolved around her and we heard often: what do you do to mommy! My dad was working a lot. He had not much backbone and did everything to keep my mom calm. My mother had terrible moodswings where she humiliated me and her face was like a mask so cold. As a child I was (and my sister) terrified of my mother. Another time she was just totally hysterical and cried and screamed. My sister took often the side of mum, so that they together harassed me. Because my mum would then leave her alone. She once went grocery shopping and she took only my sister. I stood on a box by the window and cried because I saw them walking away. When she returned, I stood with the box on the other side of the room from the door.
When I was 3 years old, she gave me pills, but my father came home, saw me screaming and took me to the hospital were they emptied my stomach. Then I went to nursery school. Only the first day she brought me, then I had to go by myself. In the morning we had to make our own breakfast, and we got chores to do. Most of the time I was out on the streets, with a key around my neck. At that time we lived in a city. We also had a tenant in the house that was a convenient, free babysitter. But what they did not know was that this man was a paedophile. He raped my sister before my eyes when I was 5 and he shouted that I was next. Also, we had to sleep over with my niece. She was a lot older. But she liked little girls…she liked me. So she used me sexually for her sex games till I was 10.
My dad had lovely parents…my sister and I used to sleep over there. We were 5 and 7 and went on the bus just by ourselves.
Then I got to aged 10 and we moved to my grandparents house in a village! My grandparents moved out. There was a tenant here too. He was a drug addict, but friendly to us. When he left, my sister and I had to clean up after him because my mum wouldn’t. We found tinfoil and much more. I was curious and told my sister I would never smoke or drink, but drugs I would try.
Then I became a teenager. Sexually my parents were pretty limitless. At 5 years of age my mother told me about facts and showed me pictures in a book. I think I was the only child who knew what sperm was. When I knocked on their door to ask something and they called `yes` I went in their bedroom, but they kept on going to have sex. We had to go to nudist beaches, and camp sites….I didn’t like it and put some clothes on, but they said that I was prudish.
Throughout the years I was pestered at school, had no real friends and was very lonely. I really believed that I should never have been born! Later I became friends with a group of hard rockers and punks and they were lovely to me. Some of them I see nowadays too! I went to another school, and then I began to party. I smoked, I drank. A lot of both. I never used drugs because I lost a friend to drugs and that was a hard lesson. A friend of mine killed himself when I was 17, Then I decided NOT to kill myself but make something out of my life.
I was depressed, but my friends (also a lot of new friends) which are my friends nowadays too, helped me a lot. My sister flew out of the house as soon as she could at 17. I stayed till I was 21. In that time I slept with boys and I was raped by one at 17, and had a lot of assaults then. I had no real boyfriend because they didn’t want me. They used me. No, I let them use me. Then I left home and lived by myself. It was there that all that I had experienced came out. It was hard, but it gave me a clear outlook. I quit smoking and I quit drinking. All at the same moment, and I never did it again.
I lived 3 times with the wrong man. I went into therapy, trauma therapy for 6 years. I learned that I was a nice kid, a lovely human being. And I discovered a power within me that I could use to heal. I have a name for that: God. Life power.
I never went to church but I believe in a lovely energy within everybody and everything. The more I came to peace, the more I saw that all that was said to me as a child was NOT true! I was not accountable for the unhappiness of my mother, she was sick! I was not accountable for all the things which were done to me by others! I was not accountable for my bad relationships in life where I was raped a lot and not appreciated, how could I have made a better choice when I thought that I was worth nothing!
So now I know I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR ME! AND I AM WORTH IT! I saw my mum was sick, she did not have children with torture on her mind…she was just unable to be a mum. She said once to me: I am NOT a mum, I have kids and that’s totally something else! Then my sister went to trauma therapy too and YES I took even my parents to that man! My mother had a very hard time. She has seen the truth and gave me and my sis a notebook with “I am proud of you!” and a letter with her excuses. That she loved us, but never could show it. She was very sad. Not much later Alzheimer’s took over. At the present time she is in special care and has not long to live anymore. Just before Alzheimer became too serious, I had forgiven her and had a talk. She told me that she had had an hard, difficult life and that if anyone took her life, she wouldn’t be sad, because she was not happy ever.
Later she became very lovely and sweet to me in her disease. I had a mum! But I am losing her at the same time. I love her now. Nothing stands between us and she knows it. I am totally free, have lived, accepted my youth, and now I have a new life with many nice lovely people around me. I am confident with myself. I am a very happy person, life is good and I am worth it!
It is very hard to step out of the comfort of the victim role and admit to yourself that you have self pity. But that is the key to happiness. I think that there is no other way. See yourself for who you are. Now you are an adult: act like it! The problem is that if you do nothing with the trauma, you stay emotionally that little kid with no power. But yes, now you have the power! So TAKE that power! And use it for the better! I did it!”
Marion, thank you so much for sharing your incredible story. You are a brave, strong, loving and inspirational person and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for inspiring others in this way. I wish you all the peace, love and happiness that life can bring. Cat xx
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